Tuesday, April 29, 2008


GUM!

When I became pregnant, I gave up vices. Ciggie smoking, excessive boozing and a steady diet of gummy bears and Ms. Vicky’s potato chips. Hell, I even started to work out, eat from the four food groups and feel pretty good about things (uhhh, don’t get me wrong here, now that I’m not incubating anymore, when the weekend a hits, so does a bottle of Cabernet Sauvignon to my lips (or Merlot, or Shiraz, I actually still, at 35, don’t really know the difference).

But I digress. I still have one disgusting habit. I chew gum. Wait, no, I don’t just chew gum. In fact, I feel a little sorry for the gum I put in my mouth for the gnashing it is about to get. I beat the crap out of my gum. And don’t think that I daintily pop one piece into my mouth, no no no no no no. I need two to three of those bad boys in my mouth at once. This sometimes gets me in embarrassing situations. Now, when you cram three sticks of gum in your yap, when you have to get rid of it, you can’t just swallow it. You need to dispose of it. And when I need to get rid of gum, I need to get rid of it NOW! It’s like a moment of revulsion comes over me and I realize how disgusting it is to be smacking on three sticks of gum at once. So today, I’m dying to get off the bus because the gum in my mouth is driving me insane. So, picture me walking down my street (which, I should add, is filled with doctors, diplomats and retired judges, don’t ask me how they let us move into this neighbourhood). I’ve got my nice heels on, a skirt, I’m even carrying a briefcase today. And I let my wad of gum fly, I mean I launch it, I want that hunk of gum as far away from me as possible. I didn’t even look around to see who might be watching. If I had looked, I might have seen all the mom’s waiting to collect their kids from the bus watching me.

Ugh. I’m gross. I’ve reached my bottom. I’m going 12 –step my gum addiction.

*I feel the need to say I normally dispose of my gum in a tissue to toss in the trash at a later date – yesterday I was tissue-less and desperate. I’m not normally a spitter. Like I said, I think I’ve hit my bottom.

8 comments:

Pendullum said...

So you think you have problems?
I have problems walking talking and chewing gum at the same time...

J said...

hey, here is the site i was talking about where i made the extra cash, I was making about $900 extra a month...
check it out ..

J said...

hey, here is the site i was talking about where i made the extra cash, I was making about $900 extra a month...
check it out ..

XUP said...

Yes, that really is a disgusting habit. Solution: start brushing your teeth a lot. What happens is you start to get really hooked on the sparkling clean feeling in your mouth that you resist putting anything in there because you know it will give you a not-brushed feeling that will drive you mental until you brush again. It's also helpful for not snacking between meals and great for your teeth.

alison said...

I'm not a gum chewer, but my girls, it's like crack for them. I have to limit them to once in a while treat. Though I suppose, being sugarless, there are worse treats. Good luck: Hi I'm Meanie and I'm a gumaholic......

Carrie Wilson Link said...

Well, identifying the problem is the biggest hurdle to overcoming it! You're 1/2 way there!

Mrs. Schmitty said...

Now, that must have been a sight! ROFL!

Anonymous said...

DON'T QUIT! It's scientifically proven that chewing gum for 15 minutes increase brain power. It's a fact. But I would think the tests were done with only one stick of gum, not three... ;-)

- Your friendly neighbourhood curator