Things NOT to do:
When you go away on a business trip, to FLORIDA, do not email wife and:
1) tell her it is 85 degrees outside, and windy, but a nice windy when she is stuck back home where it is -16 with the wind chill (and it is NOT a nice windy)
2) tell her you you overslept because the hot tub knocked you out the night before at the hotel when she has not slept through the night in exactly 32 nights and only has a shower stall in her ensuite and the kids bathtub is filled with Little People toys
3) do not call her and tell that the dinner the vendor was supposed to take you to was cancelled (boo fucking hoo) so you and your buddies hopped on over the Hard Rock Cafe at Disney. Nice of you to call, but the sounds of libations being passed around and parades in the background almost only almost drowned out the kids fighting here at home.
Next time, just call, say you are having a shitty time and you miss me and the kids.
*Believe it or not, I am writing this with a smile on my face :)
Come home soon!