Monday, March 28, 2011

I just left a comment on petitgourmand's blog and said she should keep blogging because think of how fun it will be to re-read when she turns 80.

Which got me to thinking.....

Have you seen The Notebook? Well, I'm totally imagining a movie called The Blog, where a handsome, older Jo (mmmm, played by Colin Firth with super- wrinkley make up on), reads to his ailing wife Meanie (duh, Charize Theron with just a little wrinkley make up on because Meanie is MUCH younger than Jo). Meanie is on an Anthropologie style chaise lounge, wrapped in the prerequisite upper middle class beige cashmere blanket and has perfectly styled still blonde hair.

Jo reads entries from Meanie's blog to her, with their loving daughters Grace (played by Jessica Biel, she's the most athletic looking actress I can think of) and Edie (Zooey Deschanel, google her, you'll get it) lovingly rubbing Meanie's shoulders, and they get all gooey and lovey with each other reminiscing about the stories from the blog.

And then after reading a few entries, they realize the bulk of the blog mocks them or is one big long complaint about them.

And then there is an awkward silence. Crickets if you will. Cue Celine Dion as Jo, Grace and Edie look at Meanie, with cocked heads and disgusted looks on their faces and file out the door. Grace re-enters, but only to grab the cashmere blanket off of Meanie.

And Meanie ponders the moment, then reaches for her social networking device (they will look really cool by then)and updates her Facebook status to read "WTF? you won't believe what they did now....."

Keep on blogging folks! It will give you something to talk about when you're old.

Wednesday, March 23, 2011

Bon Kid Bad Kid

The dynamics in a house of two kids, two girls, three years apart has
provided lots of blogging fodder (wtf? spell check doesn't recognize the
word blogging? How can my raison d'etre not even been considered a word?)

The more sophisticated they get, the more interesting the arguments get. I
never had much patience for who had what toy first, who hit who, etc etc,
and therefore tried as much as possible to ignore the cacaphony (I got to
use that word AGAIN!) around me. Now, I'm getting drawn into the ring
because I simply find it fascinating to witness just how much brain power
and effort they are willing to exert in order to get in my good books and
have the other removed from my favour.


Edie: Mommy, who do you love more, me, or candy?
Me: Why you of course!
Edie: Haha "candy" is what I secretly call Gracie, that means you love me

Me: Well good morning gorgeous!
Grace: 'morning - Hey Edie, did Mommy say good morning gorgeous to you?
Edie: No
Grace: Haha, Mommy thinks you're ugly!

See what I mean?

And they are like little detectives, sleuthing out things that the other
has done that may cause me offense. Ratting each other out if one has left
the lights on/not washed their hands/put their socks in the dirty laundry
etc etc. Proudly reporting to me all infractions, waiting for the
punishment to be handed down, and severely, SEVERELY disillusioned when I
don't sentence the criminal to life without parol. And they are soooo
offended when the tables are turned and they are the one being told on -
"Tattler!" they accuse, as if they have never once finked on their sister.

I honestly find it amusing, and love how it all gets shelved when there is
a mutual task at hand. They bury the hatchet because they know they need
each other to build the fort. They call an unspoken truce because a Wii
partner is required. Grace has even been known to help Edie go to sleep
when being baby sat and Edie has been known to be sure that Grace's iPod is
being recharged and that Grace gets a snack as well.

Sisters - so exhausting, but equally fascinating.

Friday, March 18, 2011

Mini Van Break In!

So last night I forgot to lock up my van and didn't put it in the garage, leaving it in the driveway instead. This morning when I was loading up the kids, I stepped back because something was amiss - the van had been turned upside down. Now, it did take a second for this to register because the van is usually something of a Petri dish at the best of times.

Once I realized what had happened, I didn't know whether to laugh or be really embarrassed. Here is a small inventory of what was strewn all over my beast on wheels:

1) Autobiography of Ozzy Osborne on CD;

2) Unauthorized biography of Angelina Jolie on CD;

3) Biography of Belinda Carlisle on CD (dramatically titled "My Lips - Unsealed);

4) David Sedaris' "Dress Your Family in Corduroy and Denim" (redeemed!);

5) Rejected Shamrock Shakes (I was convinced they would love them, but they are pretty disgusting);

6) Baggies of portioned out roasted soy beans (emergency snack);

7) Box of books on their way to the good will store, including "Bible Stories for Beginners" (pretty sure the spine wasn't even cracked on that one) and a series of very sparkly "Rainbow Magic Fairy" chapter books" (Grace might or might not have used these to wipe her boots with. Not much interest in all things that sparkle and shine with that girl);

8) Stock piled "art" and "treasures" that Edie made me promise I would bring to work and decorate my cubicle with (had to hide that from her pretty fast!);

9) Hard as rock bagel remains;

10) Ariel hair ties that are a pain to fasten so I hid them from Edie in one of the consoles. At least she is happy the petty thefts found them;

11) A DS, which I'm sure they didn't steal because it has been attacked numerous times by a bedazzler. No true tough guy/girl could be caught dead with this electronic device;

12) Various game cartridges for Edie's Leapster with names such as "Princess Party" and "Let's Get Puzzled!" (what, no demand for those at the local pawn shop?);

13) and finally pennies. Lots and lots of pennies. Like a jackpot of pennies. I hate pennies so much, I remove them from my wallet regularly and put them in my coffee cup holder until I get around to rolling them for the kids (I would love to throw them in garbage but Jo said that act is illegal);

I bet my van is the worst car that they ever broke in to. As far as I can tell, absolutely NOTHING was taken.

Wednesday, March 16, 2011

Things I do that MUST drive Jo crazy:

1) Cram justonemorething into the garbage under the sink instead of taking it out the garage and put a new bag in the can;

2) Cram the teeny tiny compost container when it can't even fit another fuzzy blueberry in it because a) I don't know how to make the origami newspaper liner that Jo is so good at doing and b) I'm a little too lazy to bring it outside to empty it (it's still kinda cold outside guys);

3) My loading of the dishwasher. Lets just say it is a less than mathematical process. I'm an artsy fartsy girl and it's sort of a free for all how I do it. From what I've been hearing, some people are very particular about how they load the dishwasher - like anal retentive about it. Jo is one of these people (accountant, need I say more?), but he re-organizes it quietly without making a fuss about my shit effort;

4) My rotation of "stuff". Whether I move furniture around (constantly), try out new places for our artwork (shut up, I'm over 35, I can call it artwork), add new throw rugs/pillows/blankets/vases/candle sticks to our mix (I have an in at Pier 1 Imports), add/remove children on a whim (kidding), Jo rarely comments at all. He's very accepting of the instability of our household accessories and does not grow terribly attached to anything (well, he's grown a little attached to the kids).

I did find his breaking point though. He very calmly the other day asked me to try and make more of an effort to close my drawers after using them. I didn't know this was a bad habit of mine (and I'm surprised it is because an open closet door will cause me to breathe fire, spew venom and scamper on all fours to close it), but apparently Jo kept turning the corner of our bedroom and nailing his thigh on the corner of the open drawer. He bruises easily, and his leg had been taking a beating.

I upped his complaint with a complaint of my own, and let him know that my breaking point was almost reached and I might cut him if he insisted on cutting bread/bagels/english muffins free-style(no cutting board), leaving crumbs EVERYWHERE.

Since then I have been a saint and closing my drawers all the time. And Jo has been using the cutting board.

Ummm, not sure what the point of this post is, I guess I just felt chatty. Do you have any breaking points?

Friday, March 11, 2011

The sounds in my head

Ah dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun

*that's the sound of me practising my bass guitar. I started my lessons on
Tuesday. I'm probably the most excited person to ever strum the same string over and over and over again.

Cwaaaaaaaa! Cwaaaaaaaaaaaa! Cwaaaaaaaaa! Cwaaaaaaaaaaaaa! Cwee?

*that's the sound of the annoying effing crow that greets me every morning.
I imagine he's saying "cwaaaaaaaaaa! It rained A LOT last night!!!!!!"
"cwaaaaaaaaa! It's still bite ass cold outside!!!!!!!!!!!"
"cwaaaaaaaaaaa!!!!! You are so effing lazy you didn't go for your run this
morning!" (The "cweeee!!!!!!!" sound is the noise it makes when it feels
the little imaginary bb gun bullets I pepper it with)


*that's the sound of the mile long whine that seems to accompany my name
these days by both girls. Followed by a complaint that in their minds qualifies for a call to 911 (Can you just imagine? "Yes, hello, 911? My younger daughter just grabbed my older daughters' Bendaroo WITHOUT EVEN ASKING!!!!!!!!! Yes? Okay, okay, I'll remain calm. Okay, I think I hear the sirens now. Thank you, thank you so much for sending help. God save us all").

Tappety tap tip tap tap tap tappety

*that's the sound of me online shopping after the girls go to bed. I tell
them not to call my name for water/to fix blankets/adjust global
temperatures because I am very busy working on a Very Important Document
for work and can't be distracted. Ha. Get it? Meanoldmommy.

Bleep bleep bleep bleep bleep BLEEP bleep

*that's the sound of Mario bros. Wii coming from the basement where I have
taken to locking the children. Ha ha, if you know this sound now it's
stuck in your head.


*that's the sound the cork out of my wine bottle is going to make tonight. Actually, I think it's a screwtop, but I don't know how to make that sounds. Craaaack? Twhiiiick? It's not working for me.

Have a great weekend!

Bleep bleep bleep bleep bleep BLEEP bleep..........

Monday, March 07, 2011

Random convo with Edie, lunch time:

Me to Edie: bleah bleah bleah bleah dee bleah and that is why boys have penises and girls have vaginas.

Edie: (looking super confused). But I've seen boys with vaginas before.

Me: huh?

Edie: Daddy has vaginas, lots of them!

Me: Whaaaa? (in my head - where the efffff is this going I don't think I want to go to there)

Edie: He wears them to bed!

(omg, she though pyjamas=vaginas. I need Geoffrey Rush to help me with my enunciation).