Tuesday, December 09, 2008


Apologies for yesterday’s pity party. I went to bed early, woke up early, did a little workout, and am now feeling fine. I even fielded a call from Grace, having to assure her that she does not have a peanut allergy. The kids wants something to be “wrong” with her soooo badly. All of her friends seem to have something “wrong” with them – broken arm, allergy of some kind, three heads. Grace wants something that makes her stand out as well. Being beautiful, freakishly athletic and smart is not cutting the mustard with her. She wants more.

This made me think of THE BIG LIE I told when I was around her age. My brother had just been fitted with a retainer – it made his speech change, it affected how he smiled and his mouth was shiny. People asked about it, Mom and Dad were constantly on him to wear it and he was pretty much getting the kind of attention that I wanted. So, I did what any logical 7year old would do. I fashioned a retainer out of two paper clips and claimed orthodontia to anyone who would listen. I wore it to Brownies; my peeps called bullshit, yet I dug my feet in and insisted that it was a retainer. I wore it to school and my teachers called bullshit, yet I dug my feet in and insisted that it was a retainer. They then asked for note from home as proof, as they were concerned that my “retainer” might be a choking hazard or cause tetanus or something.
Well, seeing as my Dad was a dentist, I didn’t think I could convince him that it was a retainer, so I retired my case of orthodontia, claiming to be cured after two days of treatment.
14 years later I wasn’t so enthusiastic when I was fitted with the clunkiest braces you could possibly fashion at the ripe old age of 21. One observer accused Jonas of being a pedophile, that’s how young they made me look.

Ha ha, I really feel better now.

6 comments:

XUP said...

I used to do something incredibly wacky when I was a kid, too, for attention, but I'm too embarassed to mention it here. I may blog about it some time. I never knew other kids were this mental. Ha ha ha

alison said...

Bwahahaha. Want to hear pathetic? In my THIRTIES I thought it would be cool to have reading glasses. I would hang out in the optical dept of Costco and try on frames, picking out the ones I thought would flatter me. And now I *need* the damn things and I wish like crazy for my old 'good' eyes back again, because it sucks to have to wear the glasses to read and I'm always misplacing them and I refuse to wear the old-lady lanyard on them.

At least you had the excuse that you were a kid.

Oh, and the description of Jonas as a pedophile made me spit coffee.

Nat said...

Well, good of your peeps and your dad to call you on it. ;)

Normal was always under rated eh?

A. & J. said...

come relax and join the party on Tuesday!

You have been invited to The 1st Annual Ottawa Blogger Virtual Christmas Party!

This virtual event is taking place on December 16m 2008.

For more information on this event, please visit the http://pleasepickupyoursocks.wordpress.com blog.

We hope to see you there!

A & J

kia (good enough mama) said...

ha! i love this. i'm sorry, but i giggled and snorted totally at your expense. you asked for it, though... (psst! i used to wish i had a retainer when i was a kid, too. pssst! now i have one with two false teeth on it. don't ask.)

Chantal said...

When our ten year old was the only one in her class with a retainer last year, kids did the exact same thing to be like her. She told them it wasn't fun to have your mother turn a screw on that thing and then have it push your mouth apart one mm at a time in order to one day fit in the most hideous braces on the planet.

They didn't care. It was red and had sparkles and her name on it!

Alex was DESPERATE for glasses like his sister. Joke's on him - he needs them now.