Thursday, April 29, 2010

What colour is your parachute?

I’m not sure how this happened, but I have ended up being a circle in a square work environment, Everything about my job is counter-intuitive to me. It’s been a very personal thing for me as someone who has sort of breezed though things, professionally speaking. The people are quite nice, but I have to work really really hard to stay on top of the work, while I suspect others don’t struggle as much. Lately I have been wondering how I ended up doing what I do. In a world that makes sense, I would be employed doing something completely different, excelling at it, loving it and whistling while I work. Instead, lately, I feel sorta mediocre, not loving it so much, and sighing a lot while I work. I am the type of person who tries to make the best of things, and I am acknowledging that I am acquiring a whole new skill set in this job, even though it is not a skill set I really want. I try my best to smile through it all, but sometimes the pull to be at home with Edie on her “helping” chair assisting me with baking while Grace chats away in the background is so strong it hurts. If I was doing something I loved, that pull wouldn’t be so strong, I know, I’ve been there before where work is worth the sacrifice of not being there to get the kids off of the bus.

Before kids, I had a small company (read: I was the CEO, CFO, consultant and photocopier extraordinaire). I always worked at a salary job as well, but I would pick up these contracts and do what I loved to do. I recently picked up a contract on the side, and it was such a wonderful feeling doing what I love to do, being a circle and fitting into a circle. Does that make sense?

This is a bit of a ramble, I’m not sure what kind of feedback I’m looking for, I guess I just want to know if there are circles like me out there trying to fit into a square hole.

*Big sigh*

3 comments:

XUP said...

Do you know how many times you've mentioned such profound dissatisfaction with your work lately? Everyone grumbles about work once in a while, but when it's consistent then I really think it's time to do something about it. I know you thought this new job would bring you out of the funk, but it's only dragged you in deeper. So? What's holding you back from finding a fulfilling way to spend your days? You're young. You're smart. (Don't say money. Money is useful, but it's not worth trading your happiness or sense of self for)

Nat said...

Yes. I have been a circle looking for a circle for a long time. I'm pretty sure when I was growing up I never once said I wanted to be in PR. Never. While it has its moments, for the most part, it is just not worth it.

I actually love the pace of my life now, the issue. Well, the issue is cash flow...

Maybe it's time to look for something else. (I hear Heritage is a really cool place to work.)

Andrea said...

I'm going through the same thing right now. Major circle trying to fit into a stubborn square. I kind of feel like jumping out of my skin...like something doesn't fit quite right. I hope things will get better, easier, I'll be in a position of more authority (read control over my work environment) soon. I think things will get better, but I'm getting tired of waiting/working towards when that will be.

So - no advice or helpful hints here. Just my sympathy. Or is that empathy. I can't remember the difference between the two... I commiserate! That's the word I'm looking for.