Pretty things keep floating through my head but I can’t seem
to pin one thing down to talk about. Distracting and not always helpful, I’m grateful for those pretty, whispy thoughts that come and go. One minute I can be thinking about a dipping a pussy willow in turquoise paint to see what it would look like, and the next minute picturing myself playing bass guitar on stage, in front of thousands. I wish my brain had a slide show function to capture all of these things.
Last week there was a dark blip, a day of knots in the stomach and a
lost appetite. I accept this day every
year, try and nurture myself through it and am grateful that this darkness only
visits for a day a year now.
The month of November was when my post-partum really kicked
into high gear 10 years ago. I dreaded
waking up and equally dreaded night time because of anxiety induced insomnia. Nights were horribly lonely, with nothing to distract me from thinking the unthinkable. The days were painfully long, it took
everything in me to get through the day.
Eating was near impossible and small chores were like mountains in my
path. I would try and hide from my
bright, curious, energetic daughter what agony I was in, so often on the verge
of tears, fearing my state was ruining her.
I was so caught up in the mess
of post-partum, refusing offers of help, suffering alone. The bright point of my day was seeing Jo’s
car lights beaming through the dining room window when he came home from work –
never early enough for me.
What used to be my worst time of day, late afternoon and
early evening, is now my best time of day.
Surrounded by energetic chatter, lively fighting, moans over whatever
meal I am planning on torturing them with, games of Blokus, cards, homework tears
and then homework triumph. There is a
perpetual cold-getting-colder tea on the counter every afternoon that I just never get around
to drinking because I am bustling baby. When
Jo gets home from work, it is not a sense of relief I feel, just a sense of
completion. Everyone is home.
I am so grateful that those dark days are in the past and
that I have what I have.
7 comments:
Lovely.
xo, sorry you went through that.
good for you for writing about this. so many of us go through things and when we don't share we think we are alone. miss you,
Glad you are on the other side of those dark days, my lovely friend.
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