Bad day at work.....this is what I feel like doing tonight (the dancing part!)

NOBODY can say M*ther F*cker like Samuel L Jackson!

Would you touch this man’s art?

Me neither. But Edie had no problem touching, picking at and pretty much trying to alter a massive Jean-Paul Riopelle hanging at the National Gallery of Canada. Jo and I brought the girls to the Ron Mueck exhibit on Sunday and Edie apparently thought the items at the gallery were meant to be interactive. Luckily, security didn’t spot her fondling the piece of art and we made our escape, and Edie has a chunk of a famous piece of art work under her finger nails.

I’m going to be a little bit embarrassed picking up the kids today – they are so freaking filthy it’s not even funny. With the high winds yesterday and hours spend at the park, they looked like little sand people. Yesterday afternoon, I was sort of chill with them and let them roll around the sand as much as they wanted, figuring that I’d just throw them in the bath before bed. Well, adventure of all adventures, the power went out! Yippee! Candles were lit, walks outside in the wind were taken, but no bath was to be had. Oh well, you know what they say, a speck of dirt…..

Edie made her first complete sentence last night, it went something like this: “CC (Gracie) hit me.” Look out Grace, the witness can talk now….

I Heart Stay at Home Mom’s

Thursday night I got sick. Sore throat, fever, chills – the whole she-bang. I don’t work on Fridays, Friday is my stay at home day to hang out with the girls (well, actually, usually just Edie – most Fridays Grace chooses to go to her day care). Friday morning I felt like crap. I could have send Edie to day care and nursed my cold, but I hate to sacrifice that special time.
That got me thinking. Stay at home mom’s don’t have the option to a) send their kids to day-care if they want or b) go to the office because often it is less intense there than it is to stay at home. Friday was hard, I really just wanted to curl up and die, but Edie just didn’t get that and wasn’t terribly sympathetic to my complaints.
I got through the day, but it really makes me admire my stay at home sisters who have to keep it together for their little ones on those not so great days. And to be honest, next time I feel that lousy, I will most likely take the day care option and curl up on the couch with a movie and feel sorry for myself solo.

Memo to Edie’s tooth

It’s time we had a talk. Everyone says my obsession with you is a little crazy, but I just don’t understand why you won’t come out and meet us. Edie could use your help when trying to chew her food. I know you are there. I see you when I make Edie open her mouth so I can monitor your progression; I feel you when I stick my finger in Edie’s mouth and probe for your whereabouts; I have been hearing you when Edie has been crying out at 2:00 in the morning due to the discomfort you cause. I taste you – actually, no I don’t, that’s just gross.

Anyways Tooth, you have been threatening to come out since December, you keep teasing us with your trips to the surface of Edie’s gum line, only to retreat just when we think are finally going to come out. Edie should have a full grill by now and focusing on being the best damn two year old around instead of waiting around for you. C’mon Tooth, you’re going to fall out in a couple years anyhow, why not make the most of your time in Edie’s mouth? A lot of your other friends have already come out, and I think they are having a good time! The central incisors are firmly planted, the molars have already beat you out, your twin on the left joined us a long time ago, so why oh why do you insist on dragging this out? Are you scared? Don’t be! Just because sand and my very expensive face cream are just two of the unusual things that Edie puts in her mouth, we always brush your friends at the end of the day to get rid of anything that might compromise their whiteness.

Edie’s Grandfather (a retired dentist) tells me to chillax (my word, not his). I guess I should, but in my world everything has a place, and Tooth, you’re just not following the rules!

Mundane…..


Something very sad is happening on my calendar – it is filling up quickly, but look at what it is filling up with:

-Party lite party
-Cooking party
-fund raiser for a friends kids’ nursery school
-volunteer day at Grace’s school
-sign grace up for soccer

Christ, I sound like a 34 year old mini-van driving suburban house wife! Oh, wait, that’s exactly what I am.

Not much going on over at meanoldmommy’s house…I guess we are all suffering from the lack of sunshine, it’s getting kind of creepy (anyone seen Children of Men?)
I don’t have much to say. Kids haven’t done anything extra-cute or extra-naughty in a while; Jo hasn’t done anything extra-cute or anything extra-naughty in a few days (heh heh) . I guess it’s nice to have a few quiet days after my drunk as a skunk night out last week.


Here, read these, they are much more interesting and/or funny than I am right now:

www.socialitelife.com GOSSIP!

http://truemomconfessions.blogspot.com/ ahhh, other mom’s who think it’s okay to not share their candy with their kids

http://truehusbandconfessions.blogspot.com/ could make you a little paranoid

http://truewifeconfessions.blogspot.com/ could make you a little sad

I’m in a fan-freaking-tastic mood this morning. Let me give credit where credit is due:

• Thank you Elvis Presley for my great mood this morning as I listened to him on my MP3 this morning
• Thank you Rochelle for my great haircut (STRANGERS are giving me compliments on my bangs – who knew!?)
• Thank you sun for finally shining and injecting a little vitamin D into my life
• Shout out to Edie and Grace for not waking up once in the night
• Another shout out to Jo for not snoring last night
• Thank you to the weird homeopath guy at the health food store yesterday who looked into my eyes and told me what ails me (no, seriously, this guy was good – just by looking at my eyes he know that I had trouble with my kidneys 10-12 years ago….) and for telling me what to do about it
• Thanks to Grace’s day care for discovering that Grace will eat her cheese sandwich if they microwave it
• Thanks to Edie’s care giver for buying her a backpack filled with fake lipstick, nail polish, a cell phone, sunglasses and keys – there is nothing cuter than watching Edie being a Ms. Thing and using all these accoutrements
• Thank you YouTube for this (and to Spankygirl for bringing my attention to it)
• Thank you Heather O’Neill for writing Lullabies for Little Criminals – it’s one of the best books I’ve read in a long time
• Thank you Larry Birkhead for being DanniLynn’s father instead of Howard K Stern. Don’t turn out to be a dick.

Barrymore's makes a damn good Whiskey Sour. Too good.

While some people went to Mass to celebrate this thing called Easter, I went to Barrymore's for Eighties Night. Oh ma Gawd, it was so much fun. From 9:00 till 2:30, I danced up a storm with my peeps, feeling all girly-girly and hyper whenever a great song came on. I lost my voice from too much yelling (Oh my God I love this song!); I pickled my innards with too many Zambuka shots and Whiskey Sours, I feel like I did a kajillion leg presses from all the dancing I did; I smoked one too many cigarettes, 2 to be exact (we'll see how the run goes today with a little added gunk coating my lungs); I'm sure I embarrassed myself to no end by shaking my junk to "I like big butts"; I arrived in a minivan and left in a cab; I went to bed 5 1/2 hours past my bedtime and slept in two hours later than I normally get up.

I have to do this more often.....

Didn't Charles Manson start off by killing insects?

A double post today, this was just too funny/weird not to write about. I took the girls out for a walk tonight and Grace wouldn't wear a hat. No biggie, but here is the conversation, pretty much word for word:

G: you know why i don't want to wear a hat mommy?
me: No sweetie, why?
G: because i want a butterfly to land on my head
me: oh, how lovely! then it would be like a butterfly barrette!
G: yeah, and then we could kill it with this stick (points to stick in hand), get some glue and glue it on to one of your bobby-pins!

Not too sure what to say about this one.

Don't envy me and my movie star life....

You want to know what I did yesterday? I did laundry and for extra points I put the laundry away; I mopped the floor of the entire house; I put away winter jackets and boots; I went out for lunch by myself and read my book and I got a snazzy new hair cut. All of these accomplishments excited me to no end. How sad is that. I remember when fast cars and Mike Ness used to make my stomach go a-flutter. And now the thought of eight hours sleep and clean sheets is enough to make me hyperventilate.

Oh well, at least I haven't completely given up on life and bought my self a pair of these (Thanks to Carmenfor bringing my attention to this hilarious SNL clip!)

Have a great long weekend - don't eat all of your kids' Easter Candy (I already have to replace what I originally bought the girls!)

Little Napolean

She's all of three feet tall, but Edie somehow managed to kick Jo out of bed at three o'clock this morning. We have a king sized bed, but apparently Edie feels it just isn't big enough for the three of us. When the alarm went off this morning, I found poor Jo stretched out on the couch - actually he looked pretty comfortable out there. Do you ever feel like it will never end, this not so fun game of musical beds? Edie's under the weather with a cold, but as soon as the nose is running clear, I see some crying in the future so Jo and I can reclaim our bed.

Grace has been doing much better, only yelling out once in the middle of the night for someone to turn her light on. She's come a long way (I wonder if the bribes did it for her?) I just bought her the game "Operation" as a special gift for doing so well at night. I think I'm just as excited as her to play it!

And now for something completely different, check this out! Made me giggle...

Uh-oh…....

Yesterday Grace was full of sass. She was sent to her room a few times, stuck her tongue out at me, hit her sister and talked back to her father. Tsk tsk tsk I said to Jo…just where is this coming from?
A little trip down memory lame quickly humbled me. Guess which one is me at thirteen years old?
I PRAY that Grace is getting it all out her system now so we don’t have to deal with a mini-me when she’s a teenager….

Checking out buds on trees and wearing a raincoat for the first times this year, the girls are ready to say good-bye to Old Man Winter (I would've kicked him out a long time ago!)

Rant

Last night Jo suggested we go out for dinner – yippee! I’m all for not having to cook. We loaded the mini-van with protesting kids (they wanted to stay home, maybe for some more of my hallucination-causing cooking?) and headed off to Licks, a family friendly restaurant (it’s kind of a goofy place, but the burgers are good and the kids can run around without causing a lawsuit against us). Anyhoooo, the only other family there happened to be Grace’s former “care”giver (dum dum dummmmmm!) Now, this “care”giver looked after Ms. Grace for under a year. It was during this time that Grace was going through her hitting phase and general two-year old mini-terrorist phase. Being a first time parent and not having any experience with kids whatsoever, I didn’t know that this was perfectly normal behaviour in two year olds. This “care”giver told Jo and I that Grace was abnormally aggressive, not capable of socialization and a general terror. She placed Grace on probation more than once. She had me convinced that Grace would become a danger to society. I also later learned that she used less than desirable time-out techniques on Gracie (my heart bleeds when I think about this). Jo had it after a particularly unpleasant exchange with the “care”giver and we found a new daycare for Grace that day in which she thrived. We also learned that, hey, two year olds hit and say no a lot, and that’s okay! I also developed a stomach burning hatred for this former “care”giver who I really feel caused a lot of stress between Grace and I for those few months.
Back to the restaurant. I’ve been into karma lately and thought I would be civil to this woman and her family, and besides, we were the only ones in the restaurant so it would have been weird if we didn’t acknowledge each other. I said hi, made pleasantries, cooed over her kids (who are not endearing at all) and went back to our table. Her husband never looked up from his meal to acknowledge me, and they slunked out of the restaurant without saying bye. This kind of cowardly behaviour really crawls up my ass. Get over yourself bitch and grab a pair. You screwed us, remember? You made me question my daughter, myself as a mother, my choice to return to work, you even made me question whether or not I should have another child, because I couldn’t bear the thought of having another “bad seed”. Fuck you. If I can put it all aside and say hello, hug your child and smile at you, you can at least not sneak out of the restaurant without acknowledging my family.
When Jo and I asked Grace if she remembered who that lady was, she said no. Thank you Jesus. At least she can close that chapter of her life. Wish I could do the same.

What does it all mean?

• Last night I dreamt that Edie was the size of a PollyPocket doll and I carried her around in the cuff of my jeans. She had very fluffy hair and had jeans and a hot pink vest on. I was participating in frosh week activities and panicked when she fell out my jeans, I couldn’t find her anywhere and started to freak out. Eventually I saw her tiny little self running around in a field and I scooped her up and put her back in the cuff of my jeans.
• Edie had a little nightmare about ice cream. Not sure what was going on in her noggin, but she kept moaning “ice cream ice cream ice cream” in her sleep. A little back rub put her back into la-la land, but she made me want ice cream too!
• Grace had a bigger nightmare – she couldn’t tell me what it was about because it was “too scary to tell”. Poor girl. I remember having nightmares that were too scary to talk about when I was little.

I’ll have to check with Jo to see if he had a weird dream or not. I wonder if it’s my cooking that’s causing all this?

We’ve been having way too many threesomes lately!
Got your attention? Good! Now get your mind out of the gutter because I’m taking about our 2 year old.
Miss Edie has been inviting herself into our bed almost every night now since the operation. The doctor has assured us that she is fine and perfectly healthy in every way. Judging from the way my back feels, I think she has gotten quite used to being attached to one of us constantly (god forbid her Robbie’s should touch the ground!) Well, I think we’ve had it. I don’t mind so much (I get her sweet smelling head on my shoulder) but Jo is getting a little fed up with having her foot up his nostril. Last night we made a decision to put an end to her invading our precious alone time together. We resolved to let her cry (I’m not gonna say for how long – I don’t web-nasties to harass me). Once she finally settled, we didn’t hear another peep from her and I had to wake her at 7:30 this morning. Good, right? Well, just because the stars can never completely be aligned, guess who hollered out at 4:30 this morning? You got it, Miss. Grace did. She first hollered for me, and upon stumbling bleary eyed into her room, she requested that I fetch Jo to comfort her from her night- mare. Uhhh, sure. Why the hell didn’t she call out for him in the first place? Perhaps she was worried that she might hurt my feelings.
We’ll see what tonight brings!

The Soul of a Tortured Artist

So the other day I’m making dinner and Grace is planted in front of me at the bar busy doing her art. Being the supportive, encouraging mother I am, my enthusiasm bubbles over for anything my children produce. This time being no exception, I threw out an “Oh Grace, what a wonderful rocket ship!” After a very stony silence, Grace informed me that it was a Christmas tree, not a rocket ship and said, I quote, “You just don’t understand my art, Mommy”. She then silently descended from her perch, took her drawing, and retired to her room. Wow. I wonder what adolescence will bring.

what strep throat will do to a five year old on a beautiful saturday afternoon
poor gracie, we had no idea. what a trooper.

Edie Before and After
It doesn't look too dramatic here, but there is a difference. Plus, once the blood goes away, I'm sure the difference will be even more obvious.
They almost didn't do the operation due to Edie's cold (number kajillion of the winter). I think they could sense our despair of having fasted this poor two year old all night and morning, getting her all prepped and ready for action. Also, the amount of psychological prepping Jo and I had to due was pretty intense as well. In the end, they felt the gain out weighed the risk, so they went ahead. I had been so strong up until that moment they took her away. Seeing her in the nurses arms, with her own arms outstretched to me, crying, screaming Mommy! Mommy! made me pretty much lose my bones and melt into a puddle on the floor. Luckily, big strong Jo was there to pick up my sorry self and get me out of ear shot. Thank god one of us is strong in these situations.
Edie did remarkably well, and what I will remember forever from that day is when she was brought out crying from the operation. As soon as she was in my arms, she immediately grew quiet and went back to sleep. It was a very profound moment for me, that I could comfort her that way. Sniff.

EDIE'S OPERATION WAS A SUCCESS! THANKS FOR THE CALLS AND EMAILS....YIPPEE!
Details to follow later....

Husband Seeks to Divorce Wife Due to her Ridiculous Library Fines

Well, he’s not going to leave me but he’s not happy with me. I got all excited last summer with the whole concept of going to the library, taking out a kajillion books and DVD’s, for absolutely FREE! I sort of forgot along the way that you have to return these items, and what I really didn’t know is that you have to pay $1.00 for every day a DVD is late being returned. The outcome? A $130.00 fine from the Ottawa Public Library, who have turned my case over to a collection agency. Sheesh, I think that’s a little hardcore considering I was late returning a few Baby Einstein videos and Dr. Seuss books. I guess baby’s not buyin’ any new boots any time soon.

I had Edie in for her pre-op appointment yesterday and it’s all a go for her operation tomorrow. I’m a little concerned about how she will deal with it. Last night she looked at a little cut on her finger (a week-old wound) and burst into tears crying “waaa!!! Bo-Bo!” How is she going to deal with her eyeballs being operated on???

Grace is showing signs of jealousy, I guess by all the concern people are showing over Edie’s operation. Yesterday at the Dr.’s office she insisted on also being weighed and having her chest listened to, eyes and ears looked at. She claimed that she was “sicker” than Edie and even wanted to get a needle. Weird. (And no, the doctor didn’t give her the luxury of an unnecessary needle).

If you want to send donations to my library fine fund, you know where to contact me :)