Things NOT to do:

When you go away on a business trip, to FLORIDA, do not email wife and:

1) tell her it is 85 degrees outside, and windy, but a nice windy when she is stuck back home where it is -16 with the wind chill (and it is NOT a nice windy)

2) tell her you you overslept because the hot tub knocked you out the night before at the hotel when she has not slept through the night in exactly 32 nights and only has a shower stall in her ensuite and the kids bathtub is filled with Little People toys

3) do not call her and tell that the dinner the vendor was supposed to take you to was cancelled (boo fucking hoo) so you and your buddies hopped on over the Hard Rock Cafe at Disney. Nice of you to call, but the sounds of libations being passed around and parades in the background almost only almost drowned out the kids fighting here at home.

Next time, just call, say you are having a shitty time and you miss me and the kids.

*Believe it or not, I am writing this with a smile on my face :)

Come home soon!

TWO APPLICATIONS TO MENSA PLEASE

Sometimes I think we don't stimulate our girls enough. You would not imagine the excitement and heart palpitations, and yes, fighting, one little change in the mini-van caused on Friday. Was it a new video console? Nope. Was it a hotly desired big-girl booster seat for Edie? Nope. Was it a much desired leapord-print steering wheel cover for Meanie? Alas, no. It was this:

With the warmer weather arriving, the smell of rotten snacks was starting to repulse me, so I bought a tacky little air-freshener to take the edge off. Well, I have never been bombarded with so many questions about a scented piece of cardboard (to be truthful, I have never, ever been asked about scented cardboard). Can I touch it? Can I smell it....WHAAAA! UP CLOSE! I WANT TO SMELL IT UP CLOSE! What is it made of? Can I lick it (actually, Grace is the only one who asked, Edie went ahead and sampled it without asking (WHAAAA! IT TASTES YUCKY! I NEED JUICE!) Can I colour it? Do you have more? How long will we have this? Do other people have these? Are there other "flavours"? Can I bring to Show-and-Tell? I think you get the idea.

Jo and I are planning a 13 hour road-trip this summer. I'm thinking that after the titallation this freshener caused, if I stick a bobble-head on the dashboard, that just might be enough to keep our girls occupied for the whole trip.

Confessions of a Consumer

At the beginning of this week (and yes, I realized it is only Wednesday), I decided to try to spend nothing. Zip. I took inventory of the fridge and cupboards and decided that we had the necessities of life and no trips to the grocery store would be required. Let’s review how I am faring so far.

Monday:

Ahhh, this should be easy. We are spending a good part of the day in car driving home from a weekend at a friends ski chalet. Ooooh, there’s Tim Horton’s. I could really go for a coffee – no, wait, I want an Ice-Cap! Shit, the kids have spotted Timmy’s out the window too. They want Timbits. No. Must. Not. Stop.

Phew! Made it home without spending a bean. Time to get ready to go out to my parents place for my Mom’s birthday dinner. Birthday dinner. Shit. I haven’t bought her a present yet. And off we go to Chapters to buy an overpriced card and gift certificate. 1 point for capitalism.

End of day, fairly satisfied with the outcome of the day. Birthdays are sort of out of my control, right?

Tuesday:

This is gonna be a breeze. I’m at work all day and I’ve packed my lunch so there is NO excuse to spend. Except I really need a coffee. That’s excuseable,right? and I’ll buy Fair Trade to be a responsible consumer.
Oops, BlackBerry is buzzing. Oh, a reminder for a farewell lunch for a fellow employee today….at a restaurant. Okay, I just won’t buy anything too expensive. There that will definitely be IT for the day.
Okay, just worked out after work and showered and I don’t have any deodorant, I’ll just run to the store and grab a stick, I mean, I can’t be stinky, right?
*the rest of the day is omitted to save myself embarrassment. I will just say that one stick of deodorant cost me approx. $55 at the grocery store*

Wednesday:

My confidence is a little shaken, but I can do this. Today will be the day I don’t spend a bean! (I have decided that coffee doesn’t count, it falls under the Necessities of Life category).
Okay, at work, it’s BUSY! Good, good, this will keep me from spending any money. Wait a sec, I’ve got mail. Oh, it’s from my housekeeper reminding that she is coming tomorrow morning to clean. She likes cash only. And she reminded me that last time she was over she used up all the Toilet Duck. Grrrr. To the bank machine I go. Then Zellers. Focus Meanie focus, you are here for Toilet Duck only. And that cute pair of RayBan knock-offs and a half-price Cadbury’s Easter Cream Egg.

I suck….and Jo just called to say we are out of milk.

Two things I NEVER thought I would do:

1) Cook Hamburger Helper (I hope my Mom isn’t reading this) – it's really good though!

2) Say the following to the girls, in a sing-song voice, calling them for dinner when they were playing:

“Girls! Time to close the imagination station!”

Ugggh! Who says shit like that? When I hear people talk like that my ears bleed a little.

Note to self: get another tattoo and toughen up

I never blogged Gracie’s birthday!

I have to admit that when I was pregnant with Grace I did have Martha Stewart visions of perfection dancing in my head. Clean white linens, peaceful naps together and an immediate bond for life. Well, overwhelmed at what had just happened, six years ago I was in a hospital, teary and tired, and wondering just how I was going to cope with this little bundle. How could I possibly be responsible for this life. Already I had been told by some not so nice nurses that my decision not to nurse was equivalent to giving my first born Macdonalds fast food. Ouch. Not a good start. When we brought Grace home, the endless gifts of flowers kept arriving, and all I could think was I couldn’t even get my shit together enough to change the water of the flowers, how the hell was I going to look after a baby? The postpartum blues kicked in. Those cold dreary months of February found me feeling quite cooped up and alone, anxious for myself and my baby. Then one day, and I remember this so clearly, finally needing to get out of the house, I nervously strapped Grace into her stroller, looked down at her inquisitive little eyes, and told her that we were going for a walk. I remember that walk so well. I remember singing a little song to her that I had made up when she was born. Grace looked at me and cracked one of her first, beautiful, gummy smiles. That is when I realized it was going to be okay, that I could do this job. It wasn’t going to be easy, but, this ex-wild child did have a maternal bone in her body. In fact, I tried to let the instincts flow from that day forward. Rather than throwing my arms up in despair when she cried, I made it my mission to determine what those cries meant. Rather than staring at her when she was sleeping, anxious for what I was going to do with her when she woke up, I tried to revel in the peaceful, sleeping Grace, and look forward to her waking to watch her take in the world.
I have to admit, Grace has never been the easiest kid in the world. I’d be lying if I said I didn’t have moments of envy when I see other more compliant kids with their parents. However, I’d also be lying if I said I didn’t think our daughter rocks. Grace takes on the world like nobody’s business. The first in the pool and the last one out. The first one up the ski hill and the first one down. I have never seen a kid take such joy in the simple act of running, seemingly amazed at just how fast her powerful legs can take her. I also love who this kid surrounds herself with. Wait, let me re-word that. I love who surrounds Grace. Grace has been embraced by so many different groups of kids, and she seems to happily float from one group to the next, not relying on any one or two kids for her social life. These past two weeks, we are also witnessing the miracle of her reading her first words…watching her sound out the words, and the look of joy on her face when she conquers a particularly difficult word is truly a gift for me.
I had been complaining about lack of sleep lately, Grace has been troubled with nightmares. I recently took Chantal’s suggestion and put a little mattress on the floor where she can come and crash if she needs to be near us. And you know what? Taking a chapter from my post partum days, I also now revel in the peaceful Grace sleeping, and sincerely look forward to her waking up and taking on the world again and again.


That little song? I still sing it to her, I know she will soon think it is silly and stupid, but I don’t care, I’ll keep singing it .

“Her name is Grace, Grace,
With the beautiful face, face,
What a beautiful nose,
Those,
gorgeous eyes!And what lovely smile,
That’s my Grace...”

Shark attack!

Kids, like animals, are intuitive. Adults, like boulders, generally are not.

So, it was our last day on the beach. Everyday up until then, Grace had been body surfing, wave jumping, reveling in being allowed to spit without getting in trouble (salt water, whatta are ya gonna do?) In fact, braver than I, she kept pushing to go farther and farther out into the great blue sea, but we generally reigned her in it at about fifteen feet to twenty feet.

The last day there, our flight was at 3:00 p.m. We woke early to get one last swim in before packing it all up. The girls ran down to the beach, and Grace raced to the water – Edie completely ignored it and got busy digging in the sand, refusing to go in. As quickly as Grace ran in, she ran out again, heading back to the sand and started to dig. I asked her why she left the water. Very casually, she said she saw a shark. I don’t think I said that that was ridiculous, but I don’t think I did much to validate her claim. I muttered something about it being a shame that nobody would swim on our last day there, but didn’t push the issue.

Fast forward to the next day, when were home in Ottawa, we got a call from the in-laws. The late afternoon that we left, looking out from the balcony of their condo, they saw two sharks, fifteen to twenty feet from shore, exactly where had been playing for past five days.

*SHIVER*

No wonder Grace is having nightmares!

We now interrupt your regular programming….


I am humbled. I need your help. I need help with a six year who is waking every night claiming nightmares. A six year old who wants to climb into our bed every night around 2 a.m., which would be fine, but this six year old is a restless sleeper, like a dolphin out of water, she is so strong and solid, that when she flails around it really affects my and Jo’s sleep. There is no gentle rubbing of her back to try and get to go back to sleep in her bed – nosiree, there are full on tears, wailing, forcing us to comply with her demands so she doesn’t wake up the three year old (who can be a fragile sleeper at times as well). My compassion for her is giving way to anger as I am starting to feel like I am being played. She can’t tell us what these nightmares are about, and no reassuring appeases her. She just wants to be in our bed, between Jo and I.
Any advice? Do I bribe her? Threaten her? Gag her? Don’t make me call Nanny 911!

Surprise! We're Going to Disney!

That Tuesday morning, I joined the family at the breakfast table and announced that I didn’t feel like going to work that day. Jo agreed that he too didn’t feel like working. We asked the girls if they felt like going to school (of course, the one day we wanted them to say no, they said yes!) I then asked them if they would like to go to the Broccoli Patch (noooo!) What about the Brussel Sprout Factory (nooooo!) Then we threw it out there – how would they like to go to DisneyWorld? Well, we didn’t get the reaction we anticipated (Edie continued enthusiastically slurping her Cheerios, oblivious to what Disney is) and Gracie was wary of this big announcement. She actually said to me once on the airplane “Nowww I believe you Mommy!” Ahhhh, the trust we instill in these children!

And so, we spent two and half days frolicking within the Happiest Place in the World. We stayed at a place called Wilderness Lodge (part of the resort). There was a nice big pool and slide there, and fire works in the evening – a great way to ease into our visit. I’m pretty sure our little munchkins thought that Wilderness Lodge was Disney in its entirety and they would have been satisfied with that. Well, weren’t they in for a surprise when we ferried over to the park the next morning and hit the ground running.

Grace was slow to start, a little unsure of all the excitement around her. She soon got into the groove though, clutching her little autograph book and getting all the Disney characters to sign it and posed for pictures with them. Edie retreated to her stroller for the photo ops, entirely creeped out by these non-talking giant cartoon characters.

The rides rocked. Grace was big enough to go on Splash Mountain, and it was quiet enough that she got to do it twice. We did it’s a Small World (Edie’s favourite – it is kinda endearing!) We also did Snow White (really scary, the cause of many nightmares to come, I’m sure)! Pirates of the Caribbean was okay, though I’m not sure I understand all the hype. Mickey’s Toon Town was a hit with both girls, short line-ups for everything there. We also did the frontier looking roller coaster (fun!) and some futuristic Buzz Lightyear kind of rides. There was also a little cloud of mist that the girls found and frolicked in for a good hour – Jo and I looked for a little cloud of beer to frolick in, to no avail.

We ended up watching the parade both days – I have to admit, I stared at those actors hard, trying to get them to crack the happy facade – I just wanted some kind of indication that Ariel could possible be suffering from killer PMS underneath that smile or that Peter Pan was arrested for a DUI the night before and covering up his bleary eyes with Visine. Nothing. Damn their good. I even got swept up the happiness of it all, this ex-punk rock girl humming along to some song about believing in myself and all my dreams coming true. And, more importantly, the girls ate it all up.

There were some aspects I didn’t like about it – like the little girls in the princess dresses with their hair extensions done and glitter all over their body, being pushed around the park by their parents. They looked so….entitled. I also felt really overwhelmed by the park in itself (and we just visited the Magic Kingdom!) I couldn’t stop thinking about how one man’s idea turned into something so big and so expensive and so over the top, and the number of people involved, the security, everything. I’m not criticizing it, I’m just amazed at how efficient and purposeful it all is.

The girls were pretty amazing. I had been warned that they may be over-stimulated and may breakdown. They didn’t. They were troopers, and didn’t beg for any extras (we did buy them Mickey Mouse ears though!)

Oh, one other thing I didn’t like – their version of Mac and Cheese. Ewwww. The girls wouldn’t touch it and I don’t blame them.

Phew. Disney has now been blogged. There you go A&J! Stay tuned for SHARK! As per anonymous’ request…..

While I'm trying to figure out what to blog about, bigger, more important things in the world are happening.

Teach your kids respect, understanding and empathy. Shit like this shouldn't happen.

http://ellen.warnerbros.com/2008/02/a_tragedy_that_should_never_ha.php

http://www.rememberinglawrence.org/

I'm BAAAAAA-AAAAACK!

I have so many things to blog about, and I'm a little bit ADD right how (self-diagnosed after spending a week in the States and seeing way too many commercials for medication for said ailment: scattered, yup, unable to focus, check, trouble sleeping, yup, trouble deciding what to blog about, yup).

Sooooo, because I opted to not medicate myself (didn't like the sound of the side-effects of some of the meds - particularly "watery bowls" - loved the way the announcer tried to race through that particular side-effect) I was wondering if y'all could help me choose what to write about first:

1) Grace's birthday

2) Edie's birthday

3) trip to Disney

4) days spent on the ocean

5) shark sighting

6) flight home (actually, not sure if I'm ready to re-visit that one yet)

So. What should I attempt to focus on first?

A trip to Billings Bridge

The idea:

Pick the girls up from day-care, go to Billings Bridge (our local mall where mostly seniors hang out) and get Gracie some new shoes and treat the girls to dinner at McDonalds.

The actuality:

Pick-up Grace first, who is quite excited about the proposed shoe trip. Pick-up Edie who immediately begins to whine for home because she is tired. Tears. Poor thing. I compromise and promise that she can go shopping in the luxury of the stroller (I never pull that thing out these days!) Happiness. We get to the mall, the girls are hungry, we head upstairs to Mcdonalds. Edie sees the escalator and starts to pitch a fit because she wants to go on it instead of the elevator. I say no because the stroller can’t go on the escalator. Tears. We compromise with the promise that Edie can press the buttons on the elevator. Happiness. Grace buds in front of us and presses the buttons on the elevator. Tears. We get upstairs and I have no cash and McDonalds’ debit is down. Have to go back downstairs to the bank machine. More tears over the escalator being denied, but Grace is kind enough to let Edie press the buttons. Money acquired. Back upstairs, by now girls are conditioned to the elevator. Get to McDick’s and debit is now working (grrrrrr). Girls pick out toys they want in their Happy Meal, only to be told that only “Boy” toys are left. Tears. They get their food and I stop the tears by letting them have juice with dinner (a HUGE deal in our family). Happiness. Edie my picky-eater insists on rubbing her fries on the table before eating them. I insist that she stops. Tears. I give her some juice. Happiness. Girls want to go on mechanical horse, I tell them they can but the *horse is broken* so they can just pretend to ride it. Happiness. Some dick-head comes by and says he wants to give his little girl a ride, sticks her on and pops some loonies in and off she goes. Tears, And now meanoldmommy is a meanoldlyingmommy. I tell them we can go down the escalator now. Happiness. I am holding the stroller, Edie’s hand, and Grace decides that she is too scared to go down without a hand too (normally she is fine). I tell her no, I have to hold the little one’s hand and bring the stroller down. Tears. But she sucks it up and goes down. Happiness. We get to the shoe store. Edie immediately starts trying on shoes. I tell her that we are here for Grace. Tears. Helpful shoe person tells me that there is a buy one get one ½ price deal. Happiness. Girl measures Edie’s feet, she is size 8. I have been putting her little sausages into size 6 shoes. Tears (me for being a bad mother). Edie gets new Dora shoes. Happiness. Grace gets new gold and pink shoes. Happiness. We traipse off to get ice-cream. Happiness. Grace has to the bathroom. I’m non-commital. She tells me it’s #2. Tears. We go off to find washroom, but Edie wants ice-cream now. Tears. We find the bathroom. Happiness. Both girls use the facility. Happiness. We go get ice-cream – a cone for me and Grace, a bowl for Edie. . Edie wants a cone too. Tears. I give her mine. Happiness. The girls work out their sugar-high by dancing in the lobby of Billings Bridge. Lots of old people are very happy watching them. So am I.

So, do you remember this post?
Well, to summarize, I hate Bratz. Grace was on board with that, but as of late she has been softening towards them. I’ve made it pretty clear that I won’t buy her anything Bratz related. Yesterday we were going shoe shopping, and we were talking about what kind of shoes to buy. She quietly said Bratz shoes, looking at me sheepishly. I took a deep breath and explained that Mommy wouldn’t be buying her Bratz shoes – then I asked her why she likes Bratz so much. Her answer? “Because Mommy, Chloe looks just like you and I love you so I love her!”
Strangely, that is one of the sweetest things I think she has ever said to me.
Crop-tops and lip injections, here I come!

Mirrors should think longer before they reflect. ~Jean Cocteau

The great thing about going to Florida this time is year is that winter is half over and it provides a much needed break from the Season That Sucks Ass.

The not so great thing about going to Florida this time of year is that my skin has had about 4-5 months to incubate a pasty-white shade that might inspire Benjamin Moore to name a paint after me (who wouldn’t want to paint their walls a solid shade of “Cadaverous Karen”???)

I decided to take matters into my own hands and do some self-tanning. Did you know that you can’t slather on self-tanner like you would your moisturizer? I’m the kind of gal who likes to beat personal best times of moisturizing – if I can get it done in under a minute, I’m high-fiving myself in a steamed up mirror. Well, apparently after reading the self-tanner bottle, you need to exfoliate (huh?) moisturize (whaaa?) then rub the self-tanner on in small, even circles around your body (d-oh!) Talk about high maintenance! My steps involved washing myself with shampoo (couldn’t find soap) and then deducing that the self-tanner would have moisturizing elements to it thus eliminating the need to moisturize. I guess that’s why my body looks like caramel swirl ice cream this morning.

So. Two questions: 1) How do get rid of the brown ripples from my body and 2) Tanning beds or Mystic Tan?

Thanks Alison for allowing to me hone my lazy side. Copying directly from her, see below:

"It's the mp3 player oracle. The rules: Go to your music player of choice and put it on shuffle. Say the following questions aloud, and press play. Use the song title as the answer to the question. NO CHEATING."

How does the world see you?

Barbie Girl by Tsunami Bomb
(I wonder if that‘s why no one takes me seriously at work!)

Will I have a happy life?

Still in Hollywood – Concrete Blonde
(hmmm, I may win that Oscar yet!)

What do my friends really think of me?

Freedom – George Michael
(Cool)

Do people secretly lust after me?

Heartbreak Hotel – Elvis Presley
(uh-huh)

How can I make myself happy?

The KKK Took My Baby Away – The Misfits
(but I love Jo! And there’s no KKK in Ottawa, is there?)

What should I do with my life?

Oh Boy – Buddy Holly
(yup, that’s what I say!)

Will I ever have children?

Kickstart My Heart – Motley Crue
(hmmm, guess that’s I got two kids in the first place!)

What is some good advice for me?

Fergilicious – Fergie
(ah yes, the much respected life-coach known as Fergie )

How will I be remembered?

Love Will Tear Us Apart – Joy Division
(happy happy memories!)

What is my signature dancing song?

Bad Reputation – Joan Jett
COOL!

What do I think my current theme song is?

Renegades of Funk – Rage Against the Machine
(Really?)

What does everyone else think my current theme song is?

*this is so embarrassing*
Stars are Blind – Paris Hilton
(no comment – too busy deleting song from MP3)

What song will play at my funeral?

Suspicious Minds – Elvis Presley
(geez!)

What type of men/women do you like?
I’ve Got My Friends – Ducky Boys
(hmmm, simply stated)

What is my day going to be like?

Ending of a Story – Neverending White Lights
(but I just woke up!?)

Awesome. You (yes you) should do this. Email me/post the results.

Psssst….Can you keep a secret?

So the girls’ birthdays are coming up, Feb. 20 and Feb. 21st (go ahead, insert the “we have sex once a year” joke here). The gift this year? A trip to Disneyworld in Orlando. Yup – two days in the Magic Kingdom courtesy of my great in-laws. The kicker? The girls know nothing about this trip. Nor will they know the ultimate destination until we drive in the Happiest Place in the World. This will be Edie’s first plane ride and Grace’s 2nd (she traveled with us to New York City when she was just shy of a year). I have been instructed to pack nothing for the girls, as my mother-in-law has been down south for a month now and has pretty much bought out Target of their 3 year old and 6 year old clothes. After Disney, we drive to West Palm Beach for 5 days in a condo on a beach. How awesome is all of this?

A few questions:

1) Are we freaking crazy for springing this on the kids? I think it’s a hoot, but that’s coming from a 35 year old gal who likes surprises. Do almost 3 and almost 6 year olds like big surprises like this?

2) Once in the Magic Kingdom, any things to avoid? What are the not to be missed things?

3) The plane ride is only three hours, but any ideas to keep the girls busy for the flight?

We are so lucky and fortunate to have the opportunity. My first trip to Disney was when I was 11 and I was a little old for “It’s a Small World”. It was still fun, but not quite as magical as it would’ve been if I was younger.

Put down your glass of milk!

Do you like Sarah Silverman? Do you like Matt Damon (you will after this!)? Do you like the f-word?

Put your headphones on if you are at work, put earmuffs on the kids if you are at home, this is the funniest thing I've seen this year!

(I guess this can be used as evidence that I look at Perez Hilton)

Play Date-Gate – the Great Debate!

Most days when I pick up Grace from day-care, I have to scrape off a half-dozen or so extra kids who want to come home with us. They then all ask simultaneously when can they come to Gracie’s house for a play date. I have to shake the last kid off my leg and make a run for it before another one suckers on.

I find the whole concept of a play date kinda weird. Especially as a working mom. I haven’t seen my kid all week, and on the weekend, I don’t feel super-great about sending her off to a friends house for an afternoon. I know SHE would probably rather be at a friends house playing, but I would rather her at home with us. I could invite her little friends over to our house, and I have done so countless times, but again, as a working mom, I have to pack a lot into the weekend (cleaning, making meals, etc etc). Sometimes holding court over a gaggle of five year olds doesn’t fit into the schedule (or jive with a possible hangover). And, there are also the personality types of the kids, some kids can be pretty high maintenance. I have them pretty much broken down by category:

1) The Klinger – this is the child who would rather be with me than my child, much to my child’s disgust.

2) The Big-Sister Wanna-Be’s – these are the girls who would rather hang out and nurture Edie (Grace’s little sister) than play with Grace.

3) The T.V. Watcher – these are the kids who would rather sit in the basement, glued to the idiot box, much to Grace’s chagrin.

4) The Idle Threat Kid: this is the kid who marches upstairs every two minutes threatening to go home if she doesn’t get the nicest Barbie, do the puzzle she wants to do, get to wear the prettiest princess dress etc. etc. This kid bugs me.

5) The Kid Who Isn’t Fed at Home: This is the kid who just wants to eat us out of house and home the whole time she is over. (I have a feeling I was a lot like this kid when I was little!)

6) The Bossy McBossy Kid: This is the kid who irks me the most. This is the kid who bosses me around in my own house (well, tries to). I have to establish my status as leader of the pack pretty quickly with these little wolverines.

I’m sure I’m missing a few other types, or I haven’t encountered them yet.

And what is play date etiquette? If Grace is invited one weekend, what is the turn around time for us to reciprocate?

Stole this from Carmen - I'm feeling particularly un-inspired today, so I thought if prompted I'd see what I could come up with:

Tomorrow: No extracurricular activities - yippee!

Feeling: A little cranky - mix a little PMS with a little 2 year old and dash of 5 year old at bedtime and that's the recipe for Crockpot Cranky.

Happy Because: Fresh snow is covering the ugly dirty snow.

Today I: woke up late ran to work took a cab to two meetings walked at lunch caught the bus home worked out picked up grace at school picked up her friend at his house picked up Edie at daycare and took them to karate drove to the mall while they were at karate to run some errands picked them up from karate drove thefriend home drove us home made dinner did puzzles did homework did colouring lost my shit at bedtime and am now blogging.

Laundry: Stuff to put away and stuff in the dryer. Not bad!

Something I know: I'm going out Thursday, Friday and Saturday night.

Currently reading: Paper Shadows by Wayson Choy - really good, but I suspect I've read it before.

Wanting: A glass of red wine (arrrrghh! Not til the weekend!)

Favorite gadget: digital camera.

Thankful that: Grace was only on her deathbed for one day.

Wondering why: I'm tired if I'm eating well, getting my 7.5 at night and excercising.

That was sooooo much easier than coming up with my own post! Maybe I'll just steal other people's questions from now on.

New BFF's

We broke up for a while, but we are getting back together. He doesn't mind if I see other people, he doesn't mind if I see other women(!). He's the only man who can tell me to push harder, faster, without getting a slap in the face. Even though he favours yellow spandex that shows off his package, I still can't help but find him endearing. He hurts me - I know that's wrong, but I always come back for more. I find him - inspiring. Billy Banks is my friend.

I was wary of Kathi - any woman with a terminal case of perkiness leaves me suspicious, but she has won me over with her promises of 20 minutes a day to a new me. She uses hot guys to motivate me, and she lets me get a drink of water when I tire. While I don't think I could go on a bender with Kathi Smith (I suspect she drinks pink beverages with little umbrellas in them) I can spend 20 minutes a day with her, and I have been, and I've gotta admit, I'm seeing some changes.

I wonder if they'll invite me to their birthday parties???

CATFIGHT!

I came across an article the other day about child psychology. I wasn't looking for information (I gave up on reading up about that stuff a long time ago - now we tend to just wing it!) Anyhooooo, this article mentioned that the absolute worst time to have another child is when your first is 3 years old. It goes on to say that a two year gap is ideal, because first born won't remember what life was like before baby #2 came along, and a 4+ year gap is good, because the first born is more mature to deal with new baby. Heh heh. Guess what the difference is between Grace and Edie? 3 years and 1 day. Perrrrfecccct. This could explain the balls out fighting that goes on in our household on most days. It explains when I jokingly (cough) made the remark that we had to get rid of one of our kids that Grace excitedly exclaime "Edie, right?"

It explains why almost two year Edie knows how to say "Chill out Gracie!".

Do any of you have sisters? Does it get better? Or should I just crack open the bottomless cabernet sauvignon now and sedate myself until they move out?

sigh.

Unfit parents.

A couple of nights in row now, Jo and I have been on the internet way past our bedtime. Surfing free porn? Nope. Online shopping? I wish. Catching up on blog reading? I forget what a blog is. Nope, we are desperately trying to revive our daughter's Webkin Clara, who is constantly ill, with an icepack on her head (hang over?) and a thermometer in her mouth. This upsets Grace to no end, she worries that Clara could die (they wouldn't be so mean, would they?) Meanwhile, Jo and I are pissed because we take it quite personally that we can't make a virtual pet get healthy again.....what does that say about us as parents of two little humans?

We excercise this thing; we buy it it's four food groups and then a special treat; we bought it a tutu and ballet shoes and the little shit still isn't happy! C'mon Ganz, what's the deal, what will it take to make Clara happy? Anyone else have this problem? Should we just let her cry it out?

HAPPY NEW YEAR!

We rang in the New Year with too much food and booze, and I even contemplated a cigarette (but didn’t in the end). I was chock full of resolutions for January 1st, but they have had to wait until today, January 2nd to kick into effect due to a hangover that involved my brain peeling away slowly from my skull. The hangover was intensified by the one billion games of Whack’a’Mole that the kids insisted I play with them and the bottle of Chanel that broke on my bathroom floor (Chanel is purty smelling, but not an entire bottle when you are hungover).

Anywhooo, resolutions, thus far:

1) Run Baby Run. I had a really good thing going up until the white stuff hit. I was running at least 3-4x a week. I don’t know how, why or when I stopped doing it, but I did. And I feel like shit. So, back to pounding the pavement I go.

2) Reading is to the mind what exercise is to the body. Richard Steele. I have been reading complete drivel lately, By drivel, I mean Star and In Touch Magazine. I don’t think monitoring Lindsay’s sex addiction or Tara Reid’s weight loss is going to make me a better person, so I am hitting the books again. Currently reading “Helpless” by Barbara Gowdy. Please send me your suggestions to keep my brain alive and healthy.


3) No man in the world has more courage than the man who can stop after eating one peanut. ~Channing Pollock. I need the courage of “the man” . I have been eating like complete crap lately and therefore feeling like complete crap. Rather than approach this resolution as a diet, I would like to approach this as a lifestyle change.

4) As a child my family's menu consisted of two choices: take it or leave it. ~Buddy Hackett. I resolve to become less of a short order cook my picky little eaters and see what they will eat if they are hungry enough.


5) The lullaby is the spell whereby the mother attempts to transform herself back from an ogre to a saint. James Fenton. Ah yes, I resolve to change the name of this blog from meanoldmommy to patient/nice/aging gracefullymommy.

6) The goal in marriage is not to think alike, but to think together. Robert C. Dodds. Yeah, more of what he said.


7) I think there is something, more important than believing: Action! The world is full of dreamers, there aren't enough who will move ahead and begin to take concrete steps to actualize their vision. W. Clement Stone. Less dream-y, more work-y.

Inspired yet? Think I can do it?

hfdjakh fjdkahfn hgaido dahofdsof.

that's pretty much all i'm capable of typing after this holiday season. it's been great, but i'm freaking tired.

and why are my kids playing with a button on a string after i bought polly pocket world and dora's talking vanity set?

What every girl wants for Christmas......

Gaaaackkk! I've got presents to buy, cookies to bake, suitcases to pack, charitable work to be done, meaning of Christmas to explain and all the other non-Xmas related domestic duties to take care of.

No time to blog. however, please enjoy a daily dose of my favourite Xmas clips....much funnier than I could ever dream to be.

I wonder if Shakespeare has this kind of inspiration for his plays?

*Curtain*

The setting: Dinner on Sunday night, our dining room table.

Grace: MAMMAAA??? IS DADDY ALLOWED TO WATCH FOOTBALL DURING DINNER????

Edie: I wanna watch Max and Ruby!

Mother: No Edie. Hmmmm, ask Daddy what he thinks.

Grace: Daddy? Daaadddddyyyyy? DADDY!

Father: Hummm? What?

Grace: ARE YOU ALLOWED TO WATCH FOOTBALL DURING DINNER?

Mother: (hopeful look in my direction, my direction shoots daggers right back at him) errr, no. (turns off t.v.)

Mother: Edie, to the table please, it’s dinner time.

Edie; (playing with her dolls) I’m feeding my babies!

Mother: Well, it’s time for you to eat.

Edie: NO!

Mother: Edie, do I have to count to 3?

Edie: (scurries, hops, whatever that strange thing she does, to the table). I don’t like this! (pointing to a carrot)

Mother: It’s a carrot Edie, you eat them every day.

Edie: NO!

Grace: EDIE EAT YOUR DINNER OR ELSE NO DESERT RIGHT MOMMY!!???

Edie: (tears) I want desert!!!!

Mother: Then eat some dinner please.

Edie: (shoves hommos smeared carrot into her mouth, proceeds to put head on my lap, I get a good view of her snotty nose and chewed up carrot and hommus in her mouth).

Mother: Now let’s try some casserole Edie.

Edie: NO!

Grace: I LOVE IT MOMMY CAN I HAVE MORE?

Edie: No Gracie!

Grace: EDIE I DIDN’T DO ANYTHING EAT YOUR DINNER!

Edie: No! (shoots plate across dinner table at Gracie)

Grace: (some guttural noise I can’t type)

Edie manages to eat a little, and when desert came along (a yogurt tube), she (accidentally) squirted it all over the floor and then (quite purposefully) smeared it all over the floor with her foot. Mother reaches for the bottle of scotch

And scene.

What’s Sunday dinner like at your house???

'Twas three weeks before Christmas, and all through the house, a mother was thinking "My kids don't need a damn thing".

Seriously, we went to get rid of some toys to make room for the inevitable onslaught of new toys, and mistakenly did it in the presence of the two rugrats. All of a sudden, the dingiest, most worn, least played with toys suddenly became "My Most Specialist Toy in the World!" and any effort to get rid of some extra crap was kaiboshed (sp?)

I am going to go through this crap (I mean Most Specialist Stuff) and ditch the broken and donate the unused.

On that last note of charity, Grace has expressed interest in doing "something" charitable this year. Any suggestions? I get to take a volunteer day at work and would like to do something special with her. Has anyone done something like this with a 5 1/2 year old before? Work at the food band for a few hours? Put Christmas baskets together? I'm open to suggestions.

I'm an adult now.....

Okay, this week sucked balls big time. I think I have been cruising through life, living like a teenager, and God all of sudden realized he forgot to give me real, grown-up issues to deal with, so He threw them at me all at once. Here is what the Big Guy dished out to me this week:

- At work I usually do really well, get the job done, get along with everyone, and enjoy every minute of it. Well, this week I dropped the ball on task big time, disappointed colleagues and really felt the brunt of it. Uggh.

- Last night while driving the kids home from day care, I felt the overwhelming responsility of the two little lives in hands while I navigated home on the treachourous, scary roads (surrounded by scary drivers I might add). Ugh.

- When I dropped Edie off at day care this morning, I could hear her screams as I left the building and felt the most guilt a mother could ever possibly feel. (It didn't help matters at well when once in the car Grace said "Hey Mommy! I think I can still hear Edie screaming!") Ugh.

-When out grocery shopping today, I stopped in at a shoe store and tried on the most delicious pair of boots....then I realized that this is an extra big grocery shop week because we were out of a lot of stuff, so buh-bye pretty boots. Ugh.



And how am I dealing with being an adult? Even though I highlight the bejeezies out of my hair every 8 weeks, a gray hair sprung to life on top of my head. Double ugh.

http://youtube.com/watch?v=pSDF8VvU13M

Do you have a happy place? I do. It's my nice hot shower at the end of the day. A place to be alone, froth myself up into a lavendar stupor and forget earlier events. We have an ensuite off the master, no bath tub (yet - it is in the "plans") and the girls have their own bathroom, with a tubbie and a shower. You would think that they would be satisfied with that.
Well, imagine my chagrin when I noticed that my happy place had been invaded (by "noticed" I mean I screamed out in pain when I plunked the ball of my foot down on a dinasaur horn and my heel on a marble).......






I thoughtfully left the scene of the crime intact for Jo's 6:30 a.m. shower, I'm good like that.

I had a pretty proud parenting moment tonight. Out of respect for Grace, I won't go into details, but basically she did something that wasn't so great and it was bugging her enough that she wanted to trust me and tell me about (heh heh, she inherited my guilty conscience). When she did tell me about, she immediately voiced her concern over how I was going to deal with it. We came up with a very reasonable solution together and I know that she feels good about how it was dealt with. I'm so glad that a) she trusted me enough in the first place and that b) I won't have to breach her trust. I know, I know, you seasoned parents out there are probably saying that this is only the beginning, but it really meant a lot to this relatively "fly by the seat of her pants" kind of parent.

Edie on the other hand, I'm a little worried about. Girlfriend has gotta lay off the acid. I caught our 2 1/2 year old staring down one of our vents saying "don't let me monkeys come and get me". Wow. Anybody ever watch that show Intervention? I think my family may be next.

On the subject of hair….

Like many other mothers out there, my mom swore by the bowl cut. Hey, why not, it was practical, low maintenance, and because your hair looked like a helmet anyways, hat head was never an issue in the winter. Of course, you could play with the bowl cut a little bit. For example, I clearly remember at Christmas time, my mom attacking me with a curling iron and burning my tender little ears in order to fancy up the salad bowl on my head for the Christmas pageant at church. I also remember attempting to adorn my bowl with barrettes and clips to distinguish myself from the boys for our class pictures.

Now I have my own daughters and I can see how I impose my own fashion views on them. Of course, I would never dream of giving them a bowl cut. Instead, with my eighties sensibilities and rock’n’roll spirit, I view the Joan Jett rocker cut to be the most versatile of all cuts for a young girl. As I was brushing out Grace’s hair last night, I realized, short of dying her hair black, I have been bringing her to the hairdresser and slowly having her hair styled into this 80’s rock-goddess. Grace has no time for barrettes, ponytails or ribbons. Her favourite pants are black velvet, and her winter coat is hot-pink and black leopard skin. I think this haircut is quite appropriate for our almost six year old.

I lightheartedly resent my Mom for making me look like Friar Tuck for a good chunk of my childhood. I wonder if Grace will resent me for making her look like a rock'n'roll legend?

So Alison posted a challenge of sorts – to share hairstyles of days gone by. While this particular photo doesn’t capture the essence of what was going in the my head in the early eighties, it definitely conjures up memories for me:

• An almost Sapphic obsession with Belinda Carlisle. Do you remember when Belinda quit the Go-Go’s and started her own career? Do you remember when she cut one side of her hair shorter than the other? Do you remember legions of young woman walking around with their head tilted to one side as if weighted down by the longer hair?
• Note the helmet like quality of the hair. It looks like I could pop that hair on and off on a whim. To achieve this lego hair, I probably popped a hole or two into the ozone layer with my heavy consumption of French Formula hairspray. The.best.hairspray.evah.
• Sore neck. See above entry for the longer hair on one side thing. All that holding my head to one side for hours on end left me with a huge kink in my neck.
• Pimples. See above entry for heavy use of hairspray. All that hairspray on my bangs in particular left me with tons of pimples on my forehead. This led to an inappropriate use of foundation clearly not matched to my skin tone, but that is an entry for another day.
• Party in the front, business in the back. Because I could only see the front of my head, I assumed the rest of world could only see me that way too. I spent countless hours on the front of my hair, but don’t remember caring a whole lot about the back of my head, and definitely did not waste a drop of French Formula on something people couldn’t see!

It is probably because of this “Belinda Syndrome” that I now use hairspray so sparingly and have a perfectly balanced haircut.

I do have “Heaven is a Place on Earth" on my MP3 though……

WHOO HOO I'M LEARNING STUFF!

I'm at a conference all week (local) and the hours of the conference differ from my normal work hours. I am seeing what a creature of habit/routine I am because I am royally messed up! Everything from what time to catch the loser cruiser in the morning to the crowds on the later afternoon buses are messing with my psyche. Therefore, I don't feel I can give you the kind of quality blogging you have come to expect of me so I am taking the week off.

(Why oh why is this conference taking place in Ottawa and not in say, Vegas or Hawaii? Lucky me, Ottawa in November, much like Paris in the Spring time, I'm sure).

Lessons learned?


-When will I learn not comment about my children's bowel movments? Apparently if I can express pride in a public bathroom over Edie's poopie, she feels she can too over mine(as she did tonight at a Hallowe'en function at my place of employment....maybe I'll get a raise now?)

-When will I learn not to get trashed at a PartyLite party? As of Friday night, I am the proud owner of $xx.xx of candles (too embarassed to put the real number in). So pretty! So shiny! So smelly!

-When will I learn to not promise to take my 2 girls plus 2 other girls out to a Hallowe'en party when I am completely hungover? THAT was a fun day.

Have you learned any hard lessons lately?

I've been tagged! This is pretty fun, if, y'know, you like to talk about yourself ad nauseum *nods head violently*. Join in on the fun!

Thanks Alison for tagging me on this!


4 jobs I’ve had

Club Monaco (where size 2 girls go to feel fat and where I fell in love with “the gays”)
Museum of Science and Technology (choo-choo train technical drawing archivist – eeeyah, as exciting as it sounds)
Stats Can archivist (a litte more exciting….)
Portrait Gallery of Canada – Yes! I have arrived! This is a pretty fun job….

4 movies I could watch over and over

Goodfellas, Pretty in Pink, Breakfast Club and National Lampoon’s Christmas Vacation, every holiday season.

4 TV shows I watch

The Office, 30 Rock, Gray’s Anatomy and, don’t judge me, America’s Next Top Model (Tyra is so fierce!)

*I did not know that The Tudor’s had started already, shit! I’ve got some lips I mean t.v. to catch up on!

4 places I’ve lived

Manotick, Lennoxville Quebec, Ottawa (ummmm, now I’m depressed)

4 favourite foods

Pecan pie, lasagne, sweet potato fries, does wine count as a food?

4 favourite colours

Tofino sunset, Frozen canal, Frontenac brick and Muskoka dust……

JUST KIDDING!

Light yellow, moss green, black, charcoal grey

4 places I’d love to be right now

In-law’s cottage on couch in front of the fireplace with my book; Las Vegas Rockabilly convention; Richard Branson’s island for super-rich people; and, well, I’m feelin’ a little sentimental today, I would actually like to be at home with my family.

4 names I love but could/would not use for my children

Ava, Eva, (friends grabbed them before we could); Henry, Gordon (didn’t have boys).


My turn to tag……I’m gonna task my new friend Allisa and my old friend Chantal

Friday to Sunday, à la Meanie
A family celebration on Friday night, honouring my brother’s 40th (!) birthday ended in near tragedy when my sister’s own little baby, a Boston Terrier puppy named Bogart was hit by an SUV. This little dog, filled with piss and vinegar, was bounced down the road after being hit by a truck going about 60. It happened at about 10:00 p.m. After two nights in emergency, he’s doing just fine. They are calling him a miracle dog. You know what the best part about this story is? A group of kids across the street saw what happened and heard my sister’s screams. The next day, one of the kids, a 12 year old boy, knocked on my parents door with flowers for my sister, because he was so sad for her. Wow. Somebody’s parents are doing a good job with their kid. That’s awesome.

While Grace hasn’t been super popular at home lately, she sure is with the rest of the world. She was invited over for a pancake breakfast on Saturday, picked up from there to go to karate, never made it home because her karate partner wanted her to come over to his house for the afternoon. When I picked her up, there was Grace, holding court to 4 young boys in her friend’s bedroom. Gulp. Girlfriend sure is comfortable with herself. Actually, it was a pretty nice day as it gave me time to hang out with little Edie, who now has her own little extracurricular activity – gymnastics! It is freaking adorable watching a 2.5 year old jump with glee on a trampoline. I also had two drop-ins, one from my boy Christopher and another from a Mommy from my stay-at-home days. Made me feel as popular as Grace!

For bonus points, Jo’s Mom babysat for us Saturday night. Friends of ours also secured sitters and a group of us headed out to the bar for some beer and hockey. Go Sens Go!

Sunday welcomed us with open arms and it was declared pumpkin patch day. The girls were reluctantly bundled (the first cold day is always such a shock) and we headed out. Grace put as many pumpkins on the wagon that she could (and was fairly rational when I insisted we couldn’t liberate the patch of 2 dozen pumpkins). Edie seemed wary of the patch – sitting in the wagon with her “dolly”, patting Dolly’s back, saying “is okay dolly” over and over again.

When we came home, waiting for the girls were two friends. I like to call them football orphans – last fall their dad came over pretty much each Sunday to watch football with Jo with his girls played with ours.

I love this time of year, it’s an awesome, cozy feeling kind-of season.

Okay. I’m putting it out there. I don’t like my 5.5 year old. I love her, but I just don’t like her right now. She is the opposite of everything I like about people. I feel like I am constantly fighting with her. I want to raise our girls well, with an emphasis on kindness, consideration and empathy. Grace is managing to make me feel like a complete failure by being unkind, inconsiderate and completely lacking in empathy. I am shocked and embarrassed when a doting grandparent requests a hug and she denies them. I want to crawl under a rock when someone pays her a compliment and rudely responds. I won’t even say what I want to do when she sasses back at me or laughs at me when trying to discipline her . I know I shouldn’t let it get to me as much as it does, and the more I react the worse it gets, but it’s just so hard to not sink to her 5 year old level .
So what are we going to do about this? The poor girl doesn’t know that I used to watch Dr. Phil faithfully when on my last maternity leave. Grace doesn’t know that I am fully ammo’d with Phil’s parenting solutions. Girlfriends’ goin’ down…..

Please, faithful readers (all two of you), is this normal behaviour for a 5.5 year old? Does it pass? Does the milk of human kindness ever infuse their little souls?

Little Blue Car
On Sunday morning, from the moment they woke up to the moment they went to bed, Grace and Edie were at it. Competing for a gold medal in pain-in-the-assness, they fought over everything – what show to watch, what book to look at, what colour of maker to use, what air to breathe, etc. The most ridiculous of all the things to fight about was a little blue hotwheels car. My girls are not car girls. Edie is all about the dolls right now and Grace is all about the puzzles. No one is all about the cars. However, someone dug up this little blue car and it became the piece de resistance of the day, each girl tracking how long the other had it for. “My car! Mine!” became background noise for me, and the noise got to be too much, and the car became MINE!, confiscated to the shelf where toys go to die.
After much protest, the girls moved on, finding something else to fight about, and the blue car was forgotten. Forgotten that is, until 2:30 in the morning , when screams from Edie’s room woke me up. Upon rushing to her bedside, ready to dole out Love, Tylenol, whatever, I could make out her crying “My blue car, MINE!”
Just let it go Edie, just let it go.


A huge thanks to Chantal, MamaTulip, Trollbaby, Alison and anyone else who linked to this entry. The comments from everyone have been so kind and supportive, and I’m so pleased that the message is getting out there. I’m also saddened by how many “Me too” stories there are out there.
Special thanks to my Friend who was willing to let me share her story – I hope your kind comments bring her comfort and strength to keep fighting this.

I often get emails about “true stories” about how we should be careful because someone knows someone who knows someone else who had something bad happen to them. Sometimes the occurrences heighten our awareness of things, but , more often than not, these messages get a quick read, and are then forgotten, deleted from my inbox.

Something bad happened last year. Something too close to home. Something happened to my best friend. She’s given me the okay to write about it here as she wants to raise awareness. I want you to read it and take away from it what will.

I have a best friend (can you relate to that?)
My best friend is in her thirties (can you relate to that?)
She has been married for close to a decade (can you relate to that?)
She likes to go out with girlfriends and have a drink or two and laugh and be social (can you relate to that?)
She went with some friends to a bar (can you relate to that?)
She ordered a martini or two (can you relate to that?)
She danced (can you relate to that?)
She got up to go use the bathroom (can you relate to that?)

Here is the part where you may stop relating, but please read on.

Someone put something in her drink.

She doesn’t remember anything that happened after that. She remembers waking up, in a strange apartment, to a fat, ugly man beside her. She remembers all the blood from her broken nose. She remembers the physical pain from other abuses he imposed on her. She remembers seeing her broken necklace. She remembers him trying to convince her that what had happened was consensual. She remembers him having the balls to drive her home, all the while trying to convince her that what had happened was mutual.

She went straight to the hospital where the police were called in. She remembers, most vividly, most painfully, the cops (the good guys) trying to blame what had happened on her, telling her she was a married woman who was embarrassed about an indiscretion. Even after evidence of large amounts of drugs being found in her system, a broken nose, bruises all over her body, the cops were still unsympathetic, telling her that they had been called in on the weekend to deal with this. She remembers being resented.

She remembers wondering how she could possibly tell her husband about this. She had to be tested routinely for every STD possible, as the rapist did not use a condom.

This happened mid-October last year. She needs counseling once a week, sometimes more. She takes a pharmacy worth of pills to deal with what happened to her. Even a year later, I held her in my arms the other night while she sobbed, and could not help but think I was holding something broken, and wondered if she could ever be fixed.

Please, whether you are a mom, sister, aunt, friend, WHATEVER. Please pass this story on so it doesn’t happen close to your home. Thank god my friend is strong enough and willing to share her story and fight for what is right. Please, go out, have fun, but always be aware.

So long, farewell, auf Wiedersehen, ...

On Saturday, we had to say good bye to a wonderful friend. A friend, who mercifully gave us a break from life every weekend for an hour or two. A friend, who served as an elixir for cranky pants and meltdowns. A friend, who initially would visit sometimes three times a day, then two, and then weaned us down to one visit per day. A friend, who was hard to find and who is now equally hard to bid an adieu to.
We are saying good bye to Edie’s nap. I realized it was finally time to do this, when, after an hour long power nap on Saturday, Edie insisted on partying like it was 1999 until eleven o’clock on Saturday night. You have to understand. If I’m not out drinking at this hour on a Saturday night, I’m hopefully blissfully lounging on the couch watching a movie with Jo, WITHOUT a rugrat at my feet. Evenings are kid-free and I feel pretty strongly about this. And so, we will have to endure that rough transition from happy, well-rested child (who is difficult to put to bed at night) to a child who is prone to magnificent, dramatic five alarm meltdowns over something as simple as a blemish on an apple (no, really).
I feel a little cheated with the whole nap phenomena. Grace was never a great napper, and gave up the nap pretty much the same day I realized I was pregnant with Edie (oh God, I was so tired!)
Edie would always nap like a champ at day care, but not so much at home. She would tease us with 45 minutes here and there, but never anything solid. It’s only recently that it seems she would sleep as long as we would let her, but, of course, that causes the aforementioned issue of wanting to partake in the excitement of our household in the evening (I guess a 2 1/2 year sees the potential of excitement in laundry, dishes and lunch making).

And so, good bye Nap, thanks for the memories.

Do you think we could sell it on the Home Shopping Channel?

Oh my God, I think this is hilarious. When I was taking Edie out of the bath tonight and wrapping her in her towel, Jo was bringing Grace a glass of milk. Jo spilled a little milk on the floor. He looked around, said to me "Pass me that?" pointing at Edie. I passed her over, and he proceeded to mop up the milk on the floor with the swaddled Edie. Heh, at least two year olds are good for something!

Nobody likes me, everybody hates me, Guess I'll go eat worms, Long, thin, slimy ones; Short, fat, juicy ones, Itsy, bitsy, fuzzy wuzzy worms. ...

i usually like to keep this blog pretty light - joke around about the "crazy" things my kids do, make light of how they drive me crazy. not tonight. nope, i don't have a funny bone left in my body. in fact, this past weekend my children sucked the marrow out of my funny bone. i actually shed a tear tonight with the way they completely overwhelmed me. it wasn't even over anything major - it was just things like a soon as one mess was cleaned up, i had to clean another. as soon as one meal was prepared and cleaned up after, another one had to be made, cleaned up after. as soon as one fight was resolved, another fire had to be put out, etc, etc. i know this is nothing new to anybody with kids, but today it really got to me. it doesn't help either when recently, in conversation, friends of mine have said how lucky they are that their kids rarely fight and are the best of friends, and how another mentioned how lucky she is because her children play so independently. wow. my kids are always fighting; i thought it was the older who was the prime instigator, but the two year old has developped some amazing antagonizing tactics. my kids RARELY play independently - they constantly need me to guide them through crafts, playtime, even colouring. of course, the guilt of the working mom kicks in here, i feel like it's my fault that they can be so needy and need my constant attention.
all i really wanted to do tonight was watch the pre-emmy show, y'know, the one where you see what everyone is wearing? and tonight i couldn't. and i forgot i that i have that recording ability on my t.v.

*one kind of funny thing - i was looking at my stats for my blog and found out that one of the ways that people find my blog is by googling "old mommies" - PERVERTS!

LAZY DAY

I've got nothing to say today.

Aside from the great bloggers I check in on regularly, I also need a weekly, sometimes daily fix of gossip. Read these instead:


Perez
Page Six
Socialitelife
Go Fug Yourself
ooohhhh, confessions!

And, to prove I have some depth to me, I just stumbled upon this site - it is amazing for Mom's interested in/concerned about body image after giving birth.


If you have any others you'd like to share with me, please feel free!

(oh, and I think mentioning Facebook is just. too. obvious.)

A Little Bit of Ying with your Yang?

-Just when I get my calves lookin' skirt-sexy, I break out in psoriasis on my lower legs....

-Just when Edie starts to nap regularly at her day care, I'm wondering if we should take away the nap to make bedtime a little easier....

-Just when I start to lose some weight with some good old-fashioned excercise, my pants don't fit me because I've developped what is known as a bubble butt....

-Just when I manage to juggle my schedule so I can be with Grace for her first day of SK, she tells me she would rather I didn't come....(I didn't know they could embarass so easily at 5 years old!)

-Right after we decide to shut the pool down for the season, we get hit with a heat wave....

-Social Distortion releases a greatest hits album, but they are only touring it in the West.

-Gracie's karate school is right beside Dairy Queen, she goes 4 days a week. I have been recently diagnosed with severe dairy intolerance. In the words of Grace herself, NOT FAIR!

-The two nights that neither Grace or Edie wake me up, I wake myself up with wicked nose bleeds....

Could be worse, it's not like we have kick ass plasma t.v. and football season has started...oh wait, NOT FAIR!

What the hell??? I finally get the kids to bed, fire up the 'puter, and Facebook is down! Oh my god, what did i used to do with my life between 9 and 10 at night before there was Facebook? I totally forget! Maybe I'll go dig up that husband I had kicking around somewhere....

On a sidenote, I'm soooooo disapointed that no one did my music questionnaire. C'mon, Christopher? Jannet? Jo? I kno fo shizzle that you guys read my shit....c'mon! Make momma proud!

What I could do with that many arms....

A typical day in my household. Here’s a rundown of the routine – I’m sure many will relate:

-Wake at 6:00 (hit snooze once, usually only once, okay, maybe twice)
-Catch bus at 6:30 (you can imagine how good I look with 10 minutes to get dressed)
-6:30 – 7:00 read my book, drink coffee on bus,
-7:00-7:45 Jo wakes, feeds and brings the girls to day care (two different stops)
-7:00-3:00 work
-Catch bus at 3:00 (sometimes catch some zzzz’s at this point)
-3:30 grab Edie and the running stroller that Jo has left for me at her day care PRAY that I remembered to pack sports bra (the girls aren’t big, but they do get in the way)
-3:40-Run home (about a 3 K run) PRAY that Edie remains content for the run
-Unload stroller, backpacks etc. PRAY that I remembered to bring house key (if forgotten, PRAY that Jo answers his phone to come and save me)
-4:00 Grab van keys that Jo has left behind (I don’t imagine that I need to keep saying PRAY at this point. Grab snacks.
-4:15 Scoot Edie into her car seat, ignoring her cries that she can do up the buckle herself
-4:30 Pick up Grace at her day care, lamenting the amount of art work she is capable of producing in one day (I mean, c’mon, are we expected to keep every last piece?)
-4:35 Scoot the girls (not my boobs, my actual children) back into the van and if it’s Monday or Tuesday or Friday, drive madly to karate, one hand on steering wheel, one hand doling out snacks, and one hand massaging my temples (whoops, sorry. That’s what I would do if I had a third hand). Once at karate, try and restrain Edie from entering the Dojo.
-5:45 Rush home, create a homemade meal that includes the 4 food groups that will inevitably be complained about but eaten due to threats of no dessert unless ½ consumed
-6:45 If hot outside, go for a swim. If cold outside, ignore cries of wanting to go for a swim and go for a walk instead, where girls pretend to step on my head by stomping on my shadow (ahhh, the love)
-7:30 get everyone in their pyjamas, select book/puzzle/show (sometimes all three) Prepare good night snack
-8:00 night night Edie (she’s pretty good – just about 2 minutes of hugs, blanket placement and soother inventory)
-8:30-9:00 night night Grace (this is usually a good ½ hour procedure – much more complex and changes weekly – another post entirely)
-9:30 tidy up and make lunches for next day
-10:00 make love to the couch and television
-10:30 hit the sack.
* ooops, acknowledge husband at some point.

AND REPEAT

How about you?

See that? That's my last nerve ending. Grace and Edie are treating it like a freakin' jungle gym right now. Thank God for cheap cabernet.